What the @!$# Is Wrong with Star Wars: Lesson 1, Fixing the Hole

by Liam Scheff

As Mickey Mouse (formerly Walt Disney’s CIA front man) has purchased the Star Wars franchise, and as Hollywood has no new ideas, I predict that within 15 years, some lucky s.o.b. will be offered the opportunity to ‘re-make’ Episodes 1 through 3. (Those in which George Lucas destroyed his creation in front of our eyes, causing nerds and mythos-geeks worldwide to look to the sky and scream, “WWWWHHYYYYYY!???”)

In anticipation of this event, and in an effort to be the first to throw my hat into the ring, I’d like to be the first to offer some story corrections to repair the blighted image of the “Annie” chronicles.

I hereby offer 5 corrections (out of the 7,893 I’ve written down) in an effort to get the ball rolling. And, you know, for whatever I miss, have at it.

1. No one who becomes Darth Vader can ever be called “Annie,” yell “Yippee,” or be a cuddly, smiling slave child to a flying Jewish merchant.

2. Annakin is renamed “Darth.” That’s all. His name is always Darth. Easy, simple.

3. He’s 15 or 16 when we meet him, deeply traumatize by lifelong abuse, and bursting with “Carrie”-like, barely-controlled psychic rage.

4. He is three – not 13 – years younger than the Princess he love/hates, marries/kills/mourns. That makes it all a little more possible, and less fucking disgusting.

5. His teacher Obi-wan also has a thing for the Princess (or Queen, or whatever she’s supposed to be); and she for him. That fulfills the requirements of the relationship triangle that is then elaborated, expanded, expounded, Romeo-and-Julieted, Guenevire-and-Arther-and-Lanceloted to its full crisis, a morbid, sexual, paranoiac fulmination in 3D. And not on a volcano “planet.” (What the fuck are they breathing on a volcano PLANET?)

And, that’s five. 7,000 plus to go. But, have a go if you’ve got ’em.


About Liam Scheff

"Author, Artist, Film, Permaculture." Liam Scheff is a writer, artist and stand-up lecturer on issues that people usually don't make comic books about. (Visit liamscheff.com). Liam's highly-praised book "Official Stories" reveals the complex details behind the myths of our times.
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3 Responses to What the @!$# Is Wrong with Star Wars: Lesson 1, Fixing the Hole

  1. SCVTaylor says:

    Why create such great villians just to kill them off in ignoble ways and much too quickly and easily? Boba Fett is the coolest villian, crafty and an equal foil to Han Solo. And he’s killed accidentally in a “Mr Magoo” moment. Its unfair to the audience (dare I say contemptous) and uninteresting if your villians are weaker than the heros. Where’s the drama in that? And then GL did it again with Darth Maul (but I’ll have a longer post on that later).

  2. Liam says:

    They brought Darth Maul back – but it’s nutso – half robot.

    Give me your top 5 fixes…

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