by Liam Scheff
North American, Asian and European “Malenerds” woke with hopeful erections yesterday, ran to their computers, and were rewarded by a 1-minute preview trailer for the ‘new’ Star Trek movie, again directed by J.J. “everybody’s dead already, nothing that’s happening in the drama actually matters – but thanks for watching” Abrams.
We happily offer our 7 predictions for what will raise this, the 12th (or 18th or we-can’t-recall) episode in the most egregiously uninteresting sci-fi movie series since the other ten thousand sci-fi novels published yearly that languish on shelves because they’re too silly to be taken seriously, (begging the follow-up question: How did Star Trek ever get out of the garage?)
But, never mind the past! On to the present – and future. What will we see in the “new, exciting” Star Trek re-re-re-re-redo.
1. The movie will open with an exciting scene whose dramatic heft the rest of the film will spend chipping away at until, by the denouement and closing credits, you realize that nothing bad can ever happen in a Star Trek movie that can’t be reversed by invoking space magic (time travel, wormholes, alternate dimensions, raised-from-the dead, and other bits of prime anti-drama).
2. There will be a “new, exciting” villain! But, not new! Based, instead on the ultra-campy, fey, silly, amusing 60s television program whose laughable special effects and hammy performances (among amiable actors with a genuine spark of bemused camaraderie) made it a perennial guilty pleasures – the “new” villain will, in fact be a re-hash of an old bad-guy from the TV show. That is, a character based on what some Television writers (aka “slaves”) writing for weekly studio wages invented on the toilet, under pressure to create pulpy next week’s episode.
3. The “new” villain will be ‘very dangerous!’ And “not like any villain the Star Trek gang has ever encountered before!” And will have a ‘special relationship’ with one of the Star Trek crew! Which has never happened before! (Except in each and every other movie, in which of the “new, most dangerous we’ve ever seen” bad guys are killed, murdered, dispatched, and done away with – never to be remembered, because they really were kind of ponces). Oh, and everybody else is fine…unless!
– Take it back! I won’t be dead by the end! Take it back!! Take it back!!
4. The major characters will be “tougher” and “more surprising” than in previous movies – meaning, one might shoot a beam out of a little cell phone, or one might scream, and then regain composure.
They will again be terribly upset when the “new” villain threatens their lovely home at the center of the universe in San Francisco, California, which, despite being on an active earthquake zone, and very small, and full of entirely-overpriced shitty apartments, is recognized by all humanoid species everywhere as the center of the Universe (or, home to the “Federation.” I mean, why put it somewhere geologically stable? And warm? With nice weather? No, San Francisco. Let’s put it there).
– Oh, no! Not San Francisco! Nothing bad can ever happen in San Francisco!
5. The Enterprise will be entirely destroyed! And entire planets might disappear! And major characters might die! But not to worry! They’ll be back for the NEXT MOVIE! And they’ll have a brand new ship! Because they buy these ships in bulk. I mean, who needs that old ship? Just BLOW IT UP already! Let’s make a new one – just like the old one which has been destroyed or nearly destroyed almost every one of the movies thus far. And even though it’s so easy to shoot and damage because it looks like a frisbee being pursued by two Twinkies – they will never change the design to make it a better battleship. Re-design? What? Redesign a ship that has been destroyed 8 times?? WHY? No, never. Never!
– Just get rid of it! We can always crash it into a small, Inland bay! Never mind the wide, wide Ocean. Let’s crash it into a smaller, mountain rimmed body of water! Never mind the entire Pacific! We’ve got to do it where white people can see us! And some black people too! But only if they’re really bourgeoisie!
Because there really is nothing to fear – it’s the future, and they’ve solved all humanity’s problems and have no famine, hunger, racism or war – except every few years when they are threatened by a (see #2).
6. If our fearless crew in spandex and polyester is really in danger, they may invoke their ability to time-travel at will. Also, “black holes, wormholes and singularities” might suddenly appear which allow time-travel, or a cross-galaxy quick-zap, or whatever else is needed. These can destroy planets – but also be steered around with ease.
(Time travel is the most consistent “quick, we’ve got to fix it” trope used in Star Trek. It’s done in every third or fourth film and television episode – thus rendering any dramatic intrigue totally hollow – because everything will be fixed at the end! “It was just a dream inside the “singularity! We time-traveled and now we’re back to the precise point when..” oh, whatever.)
7. J.J. Abrams will make sure that at least two things happen that are entirely inexplicable in terms of the internal logic of the script and characters. Perhaps they will crash on a planet, have seven years of ‘adventure,’ and then wake up to realize that they were already dead – or – had never really gotten out of bed and were having a masturbation dream – or, were in the shower and only imagined that they’d been shot, and thank GOD Victoria Principle is NAKED!
Finally, we offer one key plot point that we are CERTAIN will not be in the film.
1. There will be no planet or outpost which, invoking the 10th Amendment or a similar proxy, refuses to join the empire – er, “Federation” – who will not use food “replicators,” but insist on “growing” their own actual “food.” Who refuse to use “transporters” (which make a copy of you and murder the original version), and who don’t want to be part of these intergalactic, hapless team of effete, arrogant douchebags, who are constantly having their asses kicked by one guy at a time every three years.
– Does anybody remember me? Seriously. Anybody? I was the new, improved bad guy! That was me!
Go nerds, go. We can’t stop you…